Be the unlost nail...

Content warning, I write briefly about suicide and abuse. I've chosen details only pertinent to my point and hope they do not trigger.

On a drive home, my teenage daughter asked me why people who've been abused often harm others. After some thought, I said, "Well, when you grow up in an environment like that, you begin to think that you aren't worthy of love
and—"

"Wait!" She interrupted me. "There are people who don't believe they're worthy of love?"

Her question shocked me. How could she not know this already? For crying out loud, she's a teenager. Doesn't she get bombarded with messages all the time about how she's not enough?

And then I realized... I have raised a child who loves herself unconditionally, despite everything else around her. And because of that, she can't fathom a world where anyone else believes they don't deserve love too. God, typing that now I could cry.

I grew up in an abusive home. Literally, my mother told me repeatedly that she couldn't love me. She'd get her friends on the phone and have them tell me what a terrible person I was. And I carried those messages for so long that eventually, in November of 2016, I lost my will to live and had to be hospitalized.

When I got out, I could only focus on one hour at a time, asking myself the question, "What do I need now?"

It has taken years of therapy and self-work, but looking back, I realize that because I didn't love myself, I had made choices that created a joyless life. I had denied myself small pleasures, neglected my needs, chosen a career that harmed my soul, didn't have friends or community.... I had chosen a life that wasn't worth living. So of course, in 2016 when Trump won, I lost my hope.

It has been 8 years since then. And I have clawed my way to a life worth living, worth loving. I have friends I see weekly, friends who will hold space for each other and make dick jokes. I laugh (and cry) so hard with them. I pivoted into a new career, one that's engaging but not soul-sucking. I can afford the small pleasures. More importantly though, I can now afford what my body needs to become healthier: therapy, iron infusions, autism assessments, ketamine therapy, a bed that isn't 20 years old....

I've been incredibly lucky and privileged. And I've worked hard to get here.

As I watched the 2024 election results come in, it was eerie to feel 2016's echoes. But this time is different. And after the initial shock, I felt around and realized that my hope, while bruised, is not gone.

And as I checked in on my friends (and many of you), I kept coming across the same question: What do I do now? I won't pretend I have all the answers, but here's the one I gave my daughter the morning after the election:

When you love yourself unconditionally, you search for what will serve and support you. For Mandy 2016, that meant pivoting into a new career. I thought it was selfish to leave teaching, I thought that I was a bad person for giving up on The Work. But in leaving teaching, I freed up bandwidth to help others. I have the energy to attend protests. I have extra funds to donate to causes and campaigns. I have new skills to help others make their lives better too. And in bettering their lives, their bandwidth frees up too. How is this work possibly not The Work?

When you love yourself unconditionally, you see others differently. You become that teen in the car who cannot fathom a world in which someone doesn't know they deserve better, a world in which someone cannot fathom denying someone else's humanity. And you act accordingly. You see the neighbor who left a threatening note on your door as a man who's struggling with something deep and unrelated to you, and you set healthy boundaries around his behavior. A lot of people are angry at white women for voting against their best interest. I can't help wondering if they would have done so if they truly loved themselves unconditionally. I'd argue the vote is selfish/self-harm more than love.

When you love yourself unconditionally, you say no to what harms, you name your limits, set boundaries, advocate for your needs. Others witness this and, even if they don't yet love themselves, witnessing you invites them to. If you think that you loving yourself unconditionally doesn't change others, consider the people who have influenced you the most. What do you think their relationship is with their self-love? How is this work possibly not The Work?

I know right now you might feel small. It might feel like your choices don't matter, that you don't have an impact. And I know you might feel alone. But feeling that doesn't make it true. As the amazing Octavia Butler puts it "All we touch, we change." And just because you can't see the change doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because you can't predict the impact or chart the tipping point doesn't mean it isn't coming.

I know a tipping point is coming because there's a child in my house who cannot fathom a world in which you question your worth. And that unshakable truth is changing the world, even if right now the world feels dark and scary.

Taking the ring to Mordor started with one step. Today that step might just mean taking your meds and getting through the day. Tomorrow that step might be checking in on your family. Next week that step might be going to a protest. Each choice adds up, even the small ones, even the ones that don't seem directly related to the injustices of this world.

Remember,

For want of a nail the shoe was lost;
For want of a shoe the horse was lost;
For want of a horse the battle was lost;
For the failure of battle the kingdom was lost;—
All for the want of a horse-shoe nail.

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