Saving Throws | What to Remember When you Feel Lost

I've been reading 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think because it's been on my to-read list and the Libby app finally has the audio book for me to borrow. (Love the library ebook app!)

I hadn't gotten too far into the recording when the narrator read this line and stopped my in my tracks:

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Feeling “lost” or directionless. Feeling lost is actually a sign you’re becoming more present in your life—you’re living less within the narratives and ideas that you premeditated and more in the moment at hand. Until you’re used to this, it will feel as though you’re off-track (you aren’t).

I have absolutely been feeling lost lately. With current events being what they are and my workplace giving me some not-great news, I've been in this oddly untethered space, unsure where I where I want to focus my efforts next.

But this is also the first time that the lost feeling hasn't felt off-putting. It's not ominous or anxiety-inducing. (The world certainly feels that way, but not this unknown feeling.)

Instead, it feels more like waiting, knowing that I'll find the next step soon enough. I feel like right now I'm a seed in the dark. Blooming is inevitable. I trust myself to figure it out.

And, when you grow up with so much trauma, trusting yourself is a huge deal. Here is some the self-work I've done (and continue to do) to get myself here:

Therapies

I've been in couples therapy for 6 years now. At this point, it's a monthly check-in for us to fine-tune things. But I've also started seeing the same therapist individually because she's very good at calling me out on my shit. I both hate and love her for it.

If you're looking for someone, I recommend trusting your gut. So many of the therapists I've tried working with before haven't done much for me, and I've waited around thinking "maybe I just haven't put in enough time yet." But the therapist I see now started sharing strategies and tools by the second or third session.

Last year, I also started an at-home ketamine therapy program to treat my PTSD. It's not a magic pill, but the neuroplasticity I've been able to benefit from has helped me get out of brain loops and reframe personal narratives/experiences. If you ever want to learn more about this, feel free to email me. I'm not a medical professional, so I can only speak to my experience, but I'm happy to share it.

Active Reflection

I've been journaling since I was 8, but for a long time I treated it as simply reporting on my day. Seriously, I have a lot of journals that literally just have "It's was an OK day" written over and over again. Journaling only really started helping me when I used it for active reflection, sitting with triggers and discomfort and exploring the why of their existence.

And then I started emailing my future self to rewrite personal narratives I noticed. I have a handful of emails scheduled to my future self that remind me of "hey remember when you were worried about this and thought x about So-and-so? Remember how you were wrong about that? Let's have more instances where you aren't believing the worst about So-and-so." By reminding myself of these instances, I'm reinforcing my own learning and hopefully laying the groundwork for future me to chill.

Challenging Myself

Having this newsletter and running a business has been extremely challenging at times. But entrepreneurship has broken a lot of the analysis paralysis I had before (because inaction costs something). I've had a lot more "let's try it and see" and "I want to do this and am gonna figure out how" moments. And as I've had wins and losses, I've learned a lot about what I'm capable of.

I don't think you necessarily need to start a business to get this lesson. I could have learned this lesson about myself learning a new hobby or skill, like dancing or kick-boxing. Actually, becoming more aware of my body is on my autism to-do so physical activity likely holds a lot more lessons for me.

Embracing the Unknown

The biggest shift in all of this has been embracing uncertainty instead of fearing it. That doesn't mean I always welcome it with open arms—uncertainty is still uncomfortable. But I remind myself that feeling lost isn’t proof that I’ve failed or that something is wrong. It’s proof that I’m present.

The more I let go of rigid expectations, the more I notice opportunities I would have otherwise overlooked. There’s something liberating about recognizing that I don’t have to have everything mapped out to move forward. It’s okay to take a step without seeing the whole staircase.

Finding My Own Saving Throws

In Dungeons & Dragons, a saving throw is a roll you make to resist an adverse effect. Poison, fear, mind control—when something threatens your ability to keep going, you roll a saving throw to counteract it. It doesn’t guarantee success, but it gives you a fighting chance.

That’s how I think about the habits and systems I’ve built to keep myself grounded. When life throws something unexpected my way, I have tools that increase my odds of getting through it. Therapy, active reflection, and personal challenges are some of my saving throws. They don’t eliminate the struggle, but they help me stay in the fight.

If you’ve been feeling lost, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that it’s not a failure. It might actually be a sign of growth. And in the meantime, build your own saving throws—the practices, routines, and supports that help you navigate the unknown.

The next step will reveal itself soon enough.

And you’ll be ready.